Depression

Depression hides.

Depression grows.

Depression gets stronger

While nobody knows.

You hide it away,

But it feeds on seclusion,

Preventing improvement

With constant elusion.

The days become longer.

You force a smile with a fight,

But your faked smile fades

And keeps you up in the night.

“It will fade,” you say.

“It’s just a phase. It will pass.

Depression this bad

Can’t possibly last.”

But it does.

It stays, develops, persists.

Your temptations grow

And become hard to resist.

You find something to cling to

So that you stay sane,

A fantastic delusion

That eases your pain.

You fake every emotion.

You’re living a lie.

You can’t do this forever,

So why do you try?

“You have so much to live for,

A bright future ahead.”

But you know that, inside,

You’re already dead.

Joy

I illuminate light, from the dark void
Fil-ter peace, from the god damn noise
I create love you can’t destroy
No matter what, I will feel joy

caged bird

The caged bird dreams of flying along the rivers and ties

In search of  a better life… He/she just wants to feel alive

The caged bird sings and dreams about love, happiness, money and other things

But no ones ever around for the caged bird to share

So depressed and alone the caged bird allows those dreams to die

The caged bird is us all when we feel neglected

Your caged bird, is not necessarily a bird. It could be a zoo lion, it just matters about perspective

First Time I Met My Sister pt.1

So according to my mum, I had a brother who passed away shortly after I was born but she has always been very vague about the details for reasons I don’t know but I never push her for answers just in case it gets too emotional. Hmm could I have been a twin? Possibly, I’m not sure. It would’ve been so cool to have an older brother and it upsets me that we never got to meet.

Growing up my mum always led me to believe I was the only child she had, so you could only imagine how I felt when she did one of her disappearing acts and returns back into my life months later and suddenly, I have a teenage sister and to be fair she did look so much like me it was a no brainer that we were related. She was only my half-sister but at the age of seven or eight, I was a little confused especially since nobody ever told me anything.

My mum had plans, she had only been back in my life five mins and she had our bags packed and moved us to a hostel in Hounslow, me and my mum was in one building but I was on the top floor in my own room and my mum the floor below me and my sister was put in a building across the road. My sister had to be in the other building because well my sister was pregnant.

Bridge.

We’re in this together

To the anxious one, uncertain of every outcome, I commend your courage and encourage you to keep doing what you’re doing, whether it be big or small, every step counts. We all go through it one time or another, so do not feel like you are alone…

We are in this together, so thank you for your bravery.

To the one feeling low, we all go through phases of despondency, some take days, some take months and others take years. do not be discouraged, you are not alone, do not be afraid to reach out because we are stronger in numbers, I hope this lifts your spirit and gets rid that gloom, smile as you read this and let it fill up the room…

We are in this together, so thank you for your bravery.

To the one that’s been affected, I have been too. For many years I suffered, and so have you, we’ve refused to put up a fight, simply because we are afraid. But the times are changing, you now have a friend, so do not be afraid to reach out, do not be afraid to talk, there are many of us out here, facing our demons daily, when it gets too much, you have me and a whole community to turn to. So suffer no more in silence…

We are in this together, so thank you for your bravery.

To the one that feels lonely, trust me you are not alone. I share your thoughts and feel the exact emotions, some days I feel invisible to the world and question myself like…would I be missed if I were to disappear? Would anybody notice or even care? If you feel like that then please reach out someone, like I said you are not alone, there’s me and many others like me, ready to welcome you with open arms, we’ve just got to reach out to one another, after all, we are all we have…

We are in this together, so thank you for your bravery.

Teddy

Dear Reader, Please Write Back

So, I’ve started writing about me, my life and meeting various people at certain stages that Impacted me in some way, like some of you may have read about me meeting my dad at 21 and us not getting on or about meeting my sister who popped out of nowhere pregnant and I didn’t even know I had a sister until then. So yeah I’ve been writing about all that and more.

well, I’m currently still writing and have more to post, but whilst writing, I’ve hit a moment of reflection and the last few weeks, I’ve noticed my emotions have been all over the place, well actually… I think distant is a better word, my emotions have been distant and I’ve been in a strange mood, I’ve been isolating myself, locked away in my room with only the voice in my head for conversation, just thinking about family, friends and well everything really… currently I’m not having the best of times, I’m in a messed up situation and struggling, so I guess loads of factors have a part to play in the way I’ve been.

It’s crazy that things are like this for me now, going through one difficult situation after another, but if I’m completely honest I don’t think I’ve ever been mentally stable, I’m damaged… not sure if damage is the right word, but I do see my self as damaged. As a teen I was able to mask everything through school, sports, and a gang, the gang phase was me hiding and not wanting to face the real me, it was also a way for me to let out a lot of built up emotion and anger I carried with me for years probably from my childhood, which I never really had but I witnessed a lot, I saw things I shouldn’t have and things happened that shouldn’t to a child, I often hear surviving traumatic and emotional situations make you stronger, do I agree with that?..Maybe for others, but for me at first I would’ve said yes, but the last couple months no way! After having a breakdown and I walked the streets for hours and ended up sitting in a graveyard in heavy snow, I’m trying to tackle everything head and face each situation a post at a time, because I’ve realised what a fake I’ve been all of done is mask stuff and runaway for years and well I wouldn’t advise it to anybody.

I thought I was fine but nope, I’m envious of the world, I’m envious of people with families that care for them, it’s silly or stupid I know or I think but it’s just the way I’ve been feeling, families, fight, argue and fall out but one way or another they’re still there for one another and many of you should be grateful for your families and friends because people like are here and we made wishing for all of that so just be thankful and yeah…

Well, this post took an interesting turn 🤷🏾‍♂️ I’m pretty sure it’s a confusing post and probably didn’t get anything across but think I just needed to write…

Anyway, how are you? Anything you want to write? Please do and let’s talk

Teddy

Paulo Coelho

Mini Bio:

Paulo Coelho de Souza is a Brazilian lyricist and novelist and the recipient of numerous international awards. He is best known for his widely translated novel The Alchemist.

Quotes

When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

 

Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience.

 

Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.

 

One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.

 

There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.

 

So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.

 

Don’t waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.

 

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

 

Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.

 

You drown not by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it.

First time I Met My Sister pt.2

She had only been in the country amatter of months and she already had herself a boyfriend and was pregnant. Thinking back now, i suspect that she was already pregnant before coming to the uk but she kept it as her little secret for some time before the big reveal. and that’s where her and my mums relationship began to derail.

They always tried their best not to argue and would often put on a act whenever I was around them, but I don’t know what is it about kids especially when young, they are very good at sensing bullshit and at that age they couldn’t fool me, and little did they know, I always had my ear pressed against the door, listening to every argument.

one thing I liked about my sister, she was never afraid to tell my how she felt (which is something, I am completely unable to do, even at this stage in my life, I just don’t think I could). My mum wasn’t used to being spoken to, in the manner my sister spoke and they’re arguments often ended up getting insanely heated to the point where things would get thrown and smashed, to be completely honestly with you, if my sister wasn’t pregnant I think mum would’ve come close to killing her, that’s how insanely heated it all got.

I remember one time when all three of us were in the car, mum was driving and her and my sister began to argue and my mum got sooo pissed, she started driving CRAZY, swerving in and out of lanes at 80mph, driving on the wrong side of the road into on coming traffic, threatening to drive us off a bridge, I don’t think that’s a moment i will ever forget because honestly, I thought that was it, I thought that was the end.

We stayed in the hostel for a month or so before moving to Colindale. I attending Colindale primary school and my sister, well I’m not quite sure what happened, I know she was there in the beginning but left at some point. But yeah I do know when we moved to Colindale, she was with us but she would remain in the house all day or I’m not sure what she done, I just know when I saw her she was in the house. Did I try building a relationship with her? No, I don’t think I was, did or wanted to, to be honest I’m not even sure if we even spoke to each other much. Despite being young, I think parts of me still needed someone to sit me down and explain where she’s been all this time and what’s going on, because for me she was dangerous, she’s just turned up out the blue and it’s made mum become more aggressive and bloody scary, but still everyone wants to pretend nothing is going on and we are one big happy family and expect me to be alright?

so we never spoke much and I didn’t really like her speaking to other people neither, as her English was so poor, she would say ‘thank you’ to someone saying “hello” and ‘yes please’ at the end of every sentence, I remember telling her she doesn’t always have to say yes please, at the end of everything but she did anyway and that frustrated me.

like I said before my sister wasn’t with us for long, I’m not sure how long exactly she was with us for, but It didn’t take her long before she was fed up of living with my mum, they just weren’t getting along and I think parts of that was to do with my sisters boyfriend who kept coming round and I don’t think my mum liked him at all but that’s who I think she went to live with, I’m not exactly sure when she left but it soon just became me and my mum again.

Harper Lee

Mini Bio:

Nelle Harper Lee, better known by her pen name Harper Lee, was an American novelist widely known for To Kill a Mockingbird, published in 1960.

QUOTES

You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view.

 

Until I feared I would lose it, I never loved to read. One does not love breathing.

 

Real courage is when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.

 

Shoot all the bluejays you want, if you can hit ’em, but remember it’s a sin to kill a Mockingbird.

 

The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.

 

I think there’s just one kind of folks. Folks.

 

It was times like these when I thought my father, who hated guns and had never been to any wars, was the bravest man who ever lived.

 

The book to read is not the one which thinks for you, but the one which makes you think. No book in the world equals the Bible for that.

 

Things are never as bad as they seem.

 

Delete the adjectives and [you’ll] have the facts.